Live in peace with dukkha

Because they can thrive in drought or moist, poor or rich soil and are equally at home in shade or full sun, Bergenia might be the perfect symbol for living in peace with dukkha.

If you hang around a meditation group or attend a meditation retreat you will hear about dukkha. Dukkha is a term that comes from the Buddha, has no direct translation in English and was the first of his Noble Truths. Many think dukkha means suffering; life brings suffering. This culture has produced bumper stickers that use slightly different words with the same connotation, "life's a bitch and then you die," "shit happens." Dukkha doesn't actually mean suffering. What it means is that because all things are constantly changing and therefore impermanent, we live with discontent; unhappy because life regularly fails to meet our expectations. In other words, dukkha is our reluctance to go with the natural flow. Peter Russell describes dukkha as our resistance to experiencing the moment, wishing things were different, hanging on to notions of the way things should be. There are two things we need to learn about dukkha.


First is to deal with inevitable dukkha. Life itself is impermanent. All of our relationships will end either in break-up or death. There are accidents, disease and tough times. Our best life can be lived if we figure out who we want to be and what we want to do with the precious time, and manage ourselves everyday to do and be it.

Next, we need to stop creating dukkha in our lives. Creating dukkha comes from our unhealthy need to control things in order to avoid unpleasant feelings. We try to control outside of us those feelings we can't control inside of us. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don't. We try to control because we are afraid. We try to control because we know we are right. We cling to outcomes we think are best, as if we know what is best (even deciding outcomes for others as if other's lives are best controlled by us). I propose it's the dukkha we create ourselves that is the most devastating. Devastating when we jump from person to person, situation to situation creating dukkha that stresses us out. Sad because it's avoidable, with a little awareness and a lot of practice.

If I'm not very focused on taking care of myself, I can create a perfect dukkha storm using my relationship with my daughters. I adore these young women so much that am capable of worrying about their welfare, safety, choices and decisions; I have been known to spend some of my sleeping time wallowing in my own personal dukkha suffering about what they are doing and with whom. When I gather myself I realize the insanity of it all and the error of my ways. What makes me think my dukkha is going to influence or change anything? What gives me the right to live my life and try to live theirs too?

I watch others create dukkha when an email they receive insinuates their shortcomings and spurs a counter-missile. I see others suffering when their children don't call as often as they would like, or take their freely given advice. I coach people who create dukkha when they assume others are responsible for their behavior, or are blind to what they own in a situation. I hear from those who are tempted to go with the crowd rather than follow their own heart. I listen to people who are tangled in the conflict between others. If we stop creating dukkha in our lives and imposing it on the lives of others it would leave much more time for learning our own lessons, most of which are delivered by the dukkha we feel; captured well by Charlotte Joko Beck in Everyday Zen: Love and Work.

Life always gives us
exactly the teacher we need
at every moment.
This includes every mosquito,
every misfortune,
every red light,
every traffic jam,

every software and hardware update (my edit)
every obnoxious supervisor (or employee),
every illness, every loss,
every moment of joy or depression,
every addiction,
every piece of garbage,
every breath.
Every moment is the guru.

Welcome the lessons. Celebrate the learning. Live in peace with dukkha.